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I don't know what I was thinking. I told him to leave. I TOLD HIM TO LEAVE! Am I out of my mind? I must be, because I just sent the man that I love away and then I told him not to come back. I need to have my head checked and I need to learn to keep my mouth closed with I'm angry. I hope he doesn't listen to me. I hope he comes back.

Before he left, he gave me a knife, told me to carry it at all times. I think he worries too much, but then again, I'm not really sure that I don't need it. This area isn't exactly the safest.

Work at the hospital has been good. I recently quit the secretarial position that I had during the day. I've had to do double shifts so frequently that I needed to call in. There was just no point in staying there if I couldn't actually work. Besides, there are better part time jobs I can get if I need to at some point.

Ah, Obito, I'm not sure what to do now. Do I try to ask the older Uchiha's little brother if he knows anything, or do I let sleeping dogs lie and not stir up any commotion with that family? I'll need to think about it some more before I do anything else.

Hmm, got no where...

Kakashi and I had spoken about Obito the other night, and there was a man in the area named Itachi Uchiha who I could possibly speak to in regards to Obito. Afterall, how common a last name is Uchiha? So I went to the establishment he owns, which turns out to be the same place that Kakashi and I went for Halloween. Speaking to him, he was difficult, though it turns out that he had little iformation for me. He wasn't even sure if he knew Obito. I was dissapointed, to say the least. A troubling conversation partly, when he said that Obito could be dead. That's not something I'm prepared to deal with right now. I'd rather keep looking for our friend, in hope that either Kakashi or myself will locate him. I miss the three of us being together. I'll let Kakashi know what I found out when I see him next. I think he'll have to be leaving soon... his other life... I'm sure he still has business he needs to attend to.

[Private Entry]

I've neglected mentioning several things that have been going on in my life. Met a physican at the hospital (not abnormal, of course) when sent to the lab and told to wait for results on bloodwork for a child in the ER who had come in hypoglycemic and seizuring with no previous history of seizures or disorders in the family. But this post is not about that child, so I'll move on. The lab tech was actually a resident like myself and rather cocky. Dealing with him was unnerving but only for an hour so I put up with it then left -- rather ungracefully. In fact, I nearly tripped over a stool trying to get out after I had just been both slightly abrasive and smug in my farewell to him. Ran into him again at the Halloween party. The man certainly has a way with pushing my buttons, and even more than that, he seems to enjoy it a great deal. Shared a drink with him, because it was entertaining enough to do so, but left immediately after because I was there with Kakashi, and had already kept him waiting longer than I should have.

Kakashi. I can't believe I allowed him to drag me out to that party. What's even more ridiculous is that I went out and bought cat ears to go. I did it for him, however, and he seemed happy enough. I drank far too much that night and that conversation turned from joke to a rather uncomfortable half-confession on my part. It started with him asking if I were single and I said in jest (or so I thought) that he should apply for the position. It was all downhill from there. When we decided to go, we ended up stuck on the dance floor as a slow song started so ... we danced. It was almost as painful as him telling me after meeting up with him again that he couldn't stay and would soon be leaving. At the same time, it was warm, comforting and his arms around me... reminded me that I am completely alone. I enjoyed it a great deal, but as it always is, all good things must come to an end.

I hope that Kakashi will assume I was very drunk (and I was, but not so much that I didn't know what I was saying -- only that I couldn't stop from saying it) and not mention what we skirted around at the Halloween party. It's not like something could happen between us now since ... he's going again. I can't even believe I'm thinking about that, with him. He's my best friend, and he'll always be just that. The last thing he needs to do is worry whether or not his close friend is trying to take advantage of him. I'm not. I would never.

[Private Entry]

I don't even know where to begin. It's been a couple days and I'm still in complete shock. I haven't been an emotional mess in a long time, and even though I'm very good at hiding it, I'm terrible at dealing with it. Kakashi is here. It started with me paying for a tissue sample for my thesis that I probably shouldn't have, but will at least ensure me an outstanding grade, and he delivered it. Yes, it's that simple. He showed up to deliver it and it wasn't until I stepped out of the alley meeting place that he recognized me and spoke up. He didn't have to, but he did, and that to me says something. Kakashi and Obito were the most important people in my life growing up and losing them both was a huge factor into me no longer wanting to put myself out there and take the chance to meet new people and let them in. Yet at the same time, I've made myself an incredibly lonely person. It's a very difficult position to have allowed myself to fall into.

But, I digress. I don't think I needed to plead with him to come back to my apartment, because after all these years, he seems to still value me as a close friend. Kakashi told me what happened to his father, and why he dissapeared. I was saddened by hearing this. Convinced him to stay for a few days and the oddest thing came up. He said that while in a bar, he overheard someone talking about a Uchiha. How common a last name could that possibly be? I don't think it's very, though of course I could be wrong. While he's staying here we're going to try to see if we can track down Obito. I have to admit, the thought of the three of us toghether again was very appealing and I'm more than a little excited that there may be a chance for a reunion.

But really, there's no happy ending right now. Kakashi is only staying a week, perhaps a little longer and then he's leaving again. He doesn't even know if he'll ever be back. I should have just made him leave instead of inviting him to stay. It might have been a little less painful than having him around just to have to part with him once more. I know, it's so selfish. But I want to be selfish about this one thing. I want him to stay.

Not-so-new beginnings...

I'm adjusting. Classes started at the end of August and even though I've been in my new place since the end of July, there are still a few unpacked boxes cluttering the corner of my tiny bedroom (and living room, and kitchen). It's not that I even own much, there can't be more than a total of ten boxes or so, but I just haven't been able to find the time to take care of things. I really want to get out of the house but it looks like it will have to wait until Thanksgiving break, at the earliest.

As usual, the girls from the office want to drag me out to one of the local clubs. Should I give in and go? What do you even -wear- to a club anyway? If guess if I can get away with my jeans and a sweatshirt I could tolerate a few hours of loud music. Though there's still that whole problem I have with -time- and never having any. Between nights in the ER at St. Charles and mornings in the secretarial pool then the few classes I have, I'm lucky to find time to eat and study. Jeez, if I were anorexic, it'd be the perfect schedule for me. But, I do like my food so -that- will never happen.

I did go out and buy a small TV recently. 13" color! They actually -do- sell black and white still. Scary, I know. Now I need to figure out if I can afford cable, because I really want to be able to watch the surgery channel. I think I regret not going into something more specialized, but at the same time, I really enjoy the fast pace of the emergency room. Perhaps I'll end up staying there instead of moving to the children's ward once I graduate in January - assuming they hire me on full time. What am I saying, of course they will. I'm a fantastic physician! No God complex here though. Erm, well not ... yet? Well, I fear that will happen, so if I try to remain aware of it, then perhaps it wont.

I can't believe how I rambled on like this. Maybe it's a sign of needing to get out and meet people. Ah but it's easier to afford fifteen minute to typing then it is a few hours for coffee and chatting. Though I suppose I'd feel otherwise if it were someone I were close to.

... which makes me wonder, how are Obito and Kakashi? I still think of them all the time. I hung our picture up on the wall with the others of my family. It's depressing, really. It's more like a memorial to the people no longer in my life than it is a reminder of friends and family.

Yes ... next on my list of things to do ... make new friends. I need some important people in my life again!

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November 2006


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